My life in pictures

Beach town= Severe disdain for tourists

Well suffice to say that when you live in or near a beach town tourists will flock to it with their loud obnoxious behavior and sheer disrespect for locals. I have been here my entire life and over the years the deadly mixture of working retail and dealing with tourists then dealing with them YET AGAIN once I leave work to try to live life has ground down my patience and tolerance to absolutely nothing. I hate them and they are absolutely pissing off everyone around them, myself obviously included. They ask for local discounts, want coupons for everything, complain that our tax is too high...first off you came (unfortunately for the rest of us) from New York and you're complaining about prices HERE? Oh my god just please go take a long walk off a really short bridge and head first into shallow water. In order to be at the beach all day I as I do almost everyday I have to go about 20 minutes south to a local spot so that I won't be surrounded by these beasts of glutton. It makes my skin crawl, and seethe inside to see them in droves like a pack of wild animals. I can't really enjoy my town because they ruin it every single year just by being here. By the way if you think these people make my pay check by visiting....THEY DON'T....trust me. They refuse to wait in line, for food, for ANYTHING! Scourage of the earth these people are coming from miles around to dirty our absolutely beautiful beaches and complain. I hate you all and if wouldn't hurt me at all if they never showed their sun burnt faces again. Please stop wearing garbage from the blvd shops you know the 'Nice Story Bro' shirts etc, they're really douchy and scream tourists...just don't. Stop asking me if we carry WATER SHOES why are you wearing those stupid things anyway??? "Oh I want a shoe that I can wear on the beach but one that won't get sand in them" WHAT??? NEWSFLASH: YOU WILL GET SAND IN YOUR SHOES YOU VILLAGE IDIOT. IT IS THE BEACH AND SAND IS PART OF IT! God, could you please be a little less skanky girls on the beach. Yeah, let's all wear matching flops, bikini, beach bag, and a nice shirt bro hat and flirt with the lifeguards. Ah...just go die just really and truly go...die.

On a day like today

This day as so many have been lately is heartbreakingly beautiful, with huge fluffy cumulus clouds and skies that are a bright beautiful hue of blue. I find myself wondering what I've done wrong, or what important step I've skipped in the last years that have prevented me from finding the person I am supposed to grow old with. The person who is supposed to paddle out to the breaks with me, and skate with me, and count the stars on a warm summery night. I've come across some wonderful and amazingly genuine people but none that fit the bill, well except perhaps one...but alas it won't happen. I'm upset about it, but what do I do? I walk the beaches, and I run the parks, and I run into characters all of the time and they all enrich and enlighten my life in some way even if only for a brief moment be it a smile, a wave, or a friendly hello. I love my interaction with people but time seems to stand still for me and as beautiful and magnificent as time is I would like the beauty of this to happen to me. Not rushed, or forced just simple love.

Confessions of an alleged adult

Adulthood, its a weird thing. It's no secret. I'm the person I've always been but its a preconceived notion that in order to be perceived as an adult in this  weirdo backwards world we seem to live in, you must (according to society and the upper class) have money, and have a picture perfect husband and a child who will in the future be a proud student of Gateway Academy or Kumon or some snobby upperclass education institution. I am not any of these things. I do however have a penchant for big glasses of red wine, or Michelob Ultras, Hello Kitty things still make me smile, I laugh at fart jokes, I make faces at small children when they're parents aren't looking, I longboard skateboard and I hate dress pants. I think smart cars are stupid and tourists, are the bane of my existence. I laugh at things everyday, and I think surfing is the missing part of my life. I sing loudly in my car, and I smile and sometimes wave at strangers. If adulthood excludes these things then I will start an entirely new category of life called "Epic-hood" which is just a continuation of the younger, former self to present day...just more so. I don't think that the perfect life is for me, I'm way to much of an 'outside the box the-world-is-one-great-mystery' type of person. I think sand on my feet supercedes a pedicure any day, and the sun and sand heal all. Floating and swimming around in mother ocean are all I need to bring me back a sense of calm. So adulthood sucks, I will usher in "Epic-hood". I said it first, remember that.

Out of my league

I just used Shazam to discover Out Of My League by Fitz & The Tantrums. http://shz.am/t80443950

I'd rather just sit in the sunshine

I feel so overwhelmed. Like I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety to the soundtrack of whatever pop songs I absolutely hate. Its not that I believe the grass is always greener, but it absolutely seems that way though. I am scared, mostly of change. Yes, I've admitted finally that I am a creature of habit and comfort. I love my longboard skateboard, and crusing on a sunny day, taking a moment to close my eyes and let the sun warm my face and penetrate my soul. I love the beach like it's engrained in my D.N.A. so it goes w/o saying that this week and the last 2 I have done either of these to de-stress and on top of that the family-owned business world showed me just how cruel, underhanded and unkind it can be to it's employees..namely..me. To make matters worse I'm losing sleep over someone who may or may not care that I exist in the world. It's enough to make me want to become an agoraphobic. Instead I feel as though I merely trudge through these days with shoes embedded in quicksand whilst trying to project a facade of happiness and contentment, when i'd rather just drive barefoot to the beach and go sit in the sunshine.

Heartbreakingly beautiful

It seems as though, with the mash up epic-ness that has been my crazy life there has been one blindingly bright, clarifying thought. I have to talk to 'him' a bit more. Instantly I internally turn into the 'giddy little girl' at the thought of his face. It's an odd thing, because he was there all along, and I though "nah, I've got no chance. He's in a league all his own." But who really, should be so speacial as to be put on a pedastal of such an unattainable status? All of us (humans) want to be appreciated, shown true friendship, love, etc. Everyday when I stop for a moment to concentrate, or for a bit of clarity my head slowly fills with thoughts of his well being, that of his family, our childhood friendship, and how I'm so scared of missing the opportunity to be with him..so much so that I get a bit of anxiety..who am I kidding I have full mini anxiety attacks thinking 'what if I said something he didn't like' blah blah blah. Geez, since when did I turn into such a blubbering idiot? Since, he crossed my path long enough to stare at me with those crystal clear blue eyes and smile a smile that broke my heart because it is so heartbreakingly gorgeous.

Sunshine over calm waves

I'm sitting up at 2:39 a.m. with a Stephen King book in my lap, and my cat sleeping soundly beside my legs. Her seamless purring makes me jealous, because I know that she is sleeping better than I have been. These last weeks I have been plauged with 'what-ifs' of this 'new him' who shall remain nameless. I would like to make the most of what may come from the communication between us, but I try not to get my hopes up for fear of another severe let down that will shoot me into yet another broken hearted, somber, self-pity,self-blaming downward spiral. Yep, in essence I will have become the person that I would hate to be around. Instead I try to take the tiniest of steps and am working on investing myself in others instead. This summer I will be triying new things, investing more time towards family and new friendships, and working to revive old friendships lost in this epic worldwind called life. To me, 'He' is a nice bit of sunshine over calm waves on a summer day in a cool refreshing sort of way. So I will cross my fingers in a proverbial sense, and in the mean time I am thankful for what I do have.

Velocity equal to

“Table Tennis” by Flying Lotus (feat. Laura Darlington) + Lyrics | jovian phoen:x

This is what I feel like with the 'new' him. Sort of drawn in an odd way.

I feel like...

Modjo Lyrics - Lady (Hear Me Tonight)

This is would I imagine my next love will say to me, is that weird? It's just cut, dry and to the point and a really good song to boot

I'll tumble for ya

I'm sitting here contemplating some things, throwong them around. I've never really done something as big as what I'm thinking of doing. I want to...scratch that am going to (as told to me by someone I know) audition for a part in a show with a tumbling part. I always here "well aren't you to old to do that" "well aren't you too old for skateboarding" (gymnastics, etc). I'm tired of the naysayers and I say shut your face to them. I am going to try, if not for the experience alone. I like tumbling and I love skateboarding. I figure why not do something with it that will be somewhat gratifying and I won't feel like I'm doing it for no reason. Right? After all if you're going to do something...do it for yourself not for others and the recongnition that you may or may not cares...I'll tumble for ya...but I'll tumble for me first.

Still crusing still searching...

So as I'm waiting on the bus that I drive to pick up the after achool bunch. I'm finding that, some days in one aspect..my life sucks....more than most. Why am I still single? Of coarse this now brings to the forefront the whole 'grass is greener' question. It's not so much that I need this yet unfound person to complete me, but more so to enhance my life, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Someone that wants to go cruise around with me, or you know the same stuff. I know he's out there but I don't wanna rush it, ah geez now I sound like a Reader's Digest magazine

Soulful House: Jon Cutler ft. Kemdi - You Groove Me (Osunlade Remix)

Skating keeps me sane

Today is one of those days, where time won't go fast enough. I look around and I see people wearing sweaters and holding hands and it's like "Geez, man rub it in my face already.". Obviously 'the grass is greener' does not always apply but what's wrong with wanting someone to skate with, and point out how lame and overly obnoxious tourists are,or just hang out with and count the stars...you know? I'm not by any means desperate, just perplexed as to what I may be doing wrong that I haven't found my 'makes my heart stop, days worth living, skate partner' yet; because sitting home having a glass of wine in the evening is not the way I want to spend them. I feel like I should complete the look by owning about 4 more cats, getting my name monogrammed on everything, and join a book club or something. Dear life....give me a break already.Let's face it...skating keeps me sane..

Skating is my therapy

I'm sitting here at almost 1:30 in the morning trying to configure voice mail and thinking about how much my job is irritating me. Update, since last June "he" moved back to the place from which he came. I call him periodically (or his mother rather since that's who usually answers the phone.) I now work at a different gym and am having an early mid-life crisis as I do every birthday since about 4 years ago. I am in a job that is just that a 'job'. It is only gratifying on Monday and Wednesdays when I have my team. I am moody all of the time because of this and feel like this job has defined me, and I refuse to let it. I have a new car since some woman on New Year's eve totaled my last car. I have been trying to get things together to go surfing, and I am about to buy new wheels for the longboard because let's face it, longboarding is my therapy. I hate yoga, it's for yuppies, and I can only run so much before I'm utterly and completely bored. I can skate until my legs turn to jello though. I sit here, almost dosing off to sleep wondering why the 'new' crush isn't working out so well and I think comparatively of the black widow or something along those lines. Am I not approachable enough? Ahh, pfft forget that, I'm a cool kid I'm just overthinking things as I do in my typical behavior. I want so much to relax a little (who am I kidding....i need to relax a lot.)and just go skate as much as I can and remember that for now this prison I mean 'job' is just a means to an end and that there is always something cooler out there just waiting. Until then...I'll just skate.

Remind me that I'm alive

To you my love: Everyday when I see your face I am reminded why I am alive. Your smile makes my heart skip a beat constantly. When I'm near you I feel your light radiate through me like my own personal sunshine. I am never used to the way your smile feels, and I never want to be used to that feeling. I am thankful that you are there painful as it may be that you are not mine. I want nothing more than to love you and give you the world. Thank you for provoking my thoughts though you are never aware that you do. You were put in my life for a reason, to remind me that I'm alive. When everything feels stale and jaded you are there to pick me up and make me smile even when I may not want to. No amount of time could have prepared me for what I would feel like after I fell in love with you but I am certainly glad it happened.

Ech awful evening awful awful awful

Today started out nice enough. I began working on homework fairly early and had a nice breakfast. I left the house early to go train, and that was interrupted so that might've began my horrid evening. Then during my shift "he" came and asked where something was. My stomach suddenly turned to knots and I just felt nauseated. I can't keep dealing with this in this manner. I've been dealing with it by training and just staying quiet, keeping all of my anger on my training instead of elsewhere. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better training day because today wasn't. I still feel a little off. I'm tired of hearing the "oh you'll find someone better", blah blah blah. Who in the world said I was looking for "someone better". I wasn't looking for anyone when "he" crossed my path. I never am on "the hunt", it's not what I do. So, what now? I guess we will see what tomorrow will bring.

What a mess

So i came to work the other day and kept hearing quiet chatter. One of my friends came to me and asked me if i knew where "he" was to which i answered a confused no. Then more people started asking me if i knew where he was as if we were still together and i was supposed to know. Well, he came in sick and looking like death warmed over. I felt horrible and my heart sunk and began to beat out of control. I wanted to say something but what? I love him but i guess i wasn't good enough to be with, so why try and offer and words of consolation, they'll just sound like empty words to him anyway right? So the rest of my night went oddly in terms of thoughts. I tried to stay way out of his way for fear of bumping into him and not having anything to say.

Morning Thoughts

Had computer class this morning and felt very informed afterward. As soon as I came home though, thoughts of him resurfaced and I felt empty again. I hate feeling this way and no one can help me. I feel like I'm drowning and can't find the way to swim towards the light.

sunny

Hello! It is 1:11 p.m. and I'm sitting in the salon under the dryer. I was trying to study for a class but kept falling asleep. So I decided to focus on the ongoing problem. I am headed to the same spot where he will be today. I work and play there, so inevitably this will happen. Why, do I feel intimidated or just in pieces when I see him? It breaks my heart everytime I see him. Its not a fair thing to happen, that goes without saying. Right now, I'm in a nice sunny mood which feels so different because since we had come apart at the seams I did so as a person as well and my bright sunny core was crushed to the ground. I don't know that he cares anymore, if I died tomorrow I don't think he'd even notice. So why do I still care so much? I loved and still love him. He and I emailed each other one night and in his he said that he couldn't handle commitment and that he knew I loved him very much and that he loved me very much as well. He'd said that it wasn't fair to me and that he was sorry. I read that and at that moment I never felt so empty in my entire life. Everyone kept telling me that I didn't need him and that what he did was sheisty. Somehow, though in my core and heart of hearts I actually understood what he meant. Though, it must be sad to not want or be able to be committed to someone. What a lonely and painful existence that must be don't you think? So I guess he'd rather go to someone with low standards and no ties. As my hair gets dry I wonder how I will feel today when I see him? I try to be strong but it was him and it always was