sunny

Hello! It is 1:11 p.m. and I'm sitting in the salon under the dryer. I was trying to study for a class but kept falling asleep. So I decided to focus on the ongoing problem. I am headed to the same spot where he will be today. I work and play there, so inevitably this will happen. Why, do I feel intimidated or just in pieces when I see him? It breaks my heart everytime I see him. Its not a fair thing to happen, that goes without saying. Right now, I'm in a nice sunny mood which feels so different because since we had come apart at the seams I did so as a person as well and my bright sunny core was crushed to the ground. I don't know that he cares anymore, if I died tomorrow I don't think he'd even notice. So why do I still care so much? I loved and still love him. He and I emailed each other one night and in his he said that he couldn't handle commitment and that he knew I loved him very much and that he loved me very much as well. He'd said that it wasn't fair to me and that he was sorry. I read that and at that moment I never felt so empty in my entire life. Everyone kept telling me that I didn't need him and that what he did was sheisty. Somehow, though in my core and heart of hearts I actually understood what he meant. Though, it must be sad to not want or be able to be committed to someone. What a lonely and painful existence that must be don't you think? So I guess he'd rather go to someone with low standards and no ties. As my hair gets dry I wonder how I will feel today when I see him? I try to be strong but it was him and it always was