Remind me that I'm alive

To you my love: Everyday when I see your face I am reminded why I am alive. Your smile makes my heart skip a beat constantly. When I'm near you I feel your light radiate through me like my own personal sunshine. I am never used to the way your smile feels, and I never want to be used to that feeling. I am thankful that you are there painful as it may be that you are not mine. I want nothing more than to love you and give you the world. Thank you for provoking my thoughts though you are never aware that you do. You were put in my life for a reason, to remind me that I'm alive. When everything feels stale and jaded you are there to pick me up and make me smile even when I may not want to. No amount of time could have prepared me for what I would feel like after I fell in love with you but I am certainly glad it happened.

Ech awful evening awful awful awful

Today started out nice enough. I began working on homework fairly early and had a nice breakfast. I left the house early to go train, and that was interrupted so that might've began my horrid evening. Then during my shift "he" came and asked where something was. My stomach suddenly turned to knots and I just felt nauseated. I can't keep dealing with this in this manner. I've been dealing with it by training and just staying quiet, keeping all of my anger on my training instead of elsewhere. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better training day because today wasn't. I still feel a little off. I'm tired of hearing the "oh you'll find someone better", blah blah blah. Who in the world said I was looking for "someone better". I wasn't looking for anyone when "he" crossed my path. I never am on "the hunt", it's not what I do. So, what now? I guess we will see what tomorrow will bring.

What a mess

So i came to work the other day and kept hearing quiet chatter. One of my friends came to me and asked me if i knew where "he" was to which i answered a confused no. Then more people started asking me if i knew where he was as if we were still together and i was supposed to know. Well, he came in sick and looking like death warmed over. I felt horrible and my heart sunk and began to beat out of control. I wanted to say something but what? I love him but i guess i wasn't good enough to be with, so why try and offer and words of consolation, they'll just sound like empty words to him anyway right? So the rest of my night went oddly in terms of thoughts. I tried to stay way out of his way for fear of bumping into him and not having anything to say.

Morning Thoughts

Had computer class this morning and felt very informed afterward. As soon as I came home though, thoughts of him resurfaced and I felt empty again. I hate feeling this way and no one can help me. I feel like I'm drowning and can't find the way to swim towards the light.

sunny

Hello! It is 1:11 p.m. and I'm sitting in the salon under the dryer. I was trying to study for a class but kept falling asleep. So I decided to focus on the ongoing problem. I am headed to the same spot where he will be today. I work and play there, so inevitably this will happen. Why, do I feel intimidated or just in pieces when I see him? It breaks my heart everytime I see him. Its not a fair thing to happen, that goes without saying. Right now, I'm in a nice sunny mood which feels so different because since we had come apart at the seams I did so as a person as well and my bright sunny core was crushed to the ground. I don't know that he cares anymore, if I died tomorrow I don't think he'd even notice. So why do I still care so much? I loved and still love him. He and I emailed each other one night and in his he said that he couldn't handle commitment and that he knew I loved him very much and that he loved me very much as well. He'd said that it wasn't fair to me and that he was sorry. I read that and at that moment I never felt so empty in my entire life. Everyone kept telling me that I didn't need him and that what he did was sheisty. Somehow, though in my core and heart of hearts I actually understood what he meant. Though, it must be sad to not want or be able to be committed to someone. What a lonely and painful existence that must be don't you think? So I guess he'd rather go to someone with low standards and no ties. As my hair gets dry I wonder how I will feel today when I see him? I try to be strong but it was him and it always was

Coconut air freshner

I'm feeling like I've lost myself here lately in the midst of the craziness. My ups and downs of the love that slipped right through my fingers. So I took a visit to my favorite surf shop (yes I do skate and have since the womb.). I bought a Ted's Shred Surf Wax scented air freshner and some surf tees. I instantly started to feel better. Sounds nerdy but I don't really care. The cool air and warm sun felt so different, like I was breathing again for the first time in ages. I taught class on thursday and started out in a good mood. By the time I left though, I was foul again. I'm not exactly sure what I did wrong but it's not fair for me to feel like this. I have no closure and I still love him deeply, coconut scented air freshner or not. I get glances and I feel like I'm being pulled apart piece by piece and can't be put back together. So what now?

Feeling ok

Today is a busy day. I had to stop for a minute and write this though. I will be headed to work to face my fate/loneliness. I try to ignore him or at least keep my back turned but i hear his voice and i suddenly feel light headed and butterflies fill my stomach. I hold it together pretty well during work, but I don't think this facade is going to hold much longer. It's a gorgeous day outside, and I don't want to waste it by being sad today.