Soulful House: Jon Cutler ft. Kemdi - You Groove Me (Osunlade Remix)

Skating keeps me sane

Today is one of those days, where time won't go fast enough. I look around and I see people wearing sweaters and holding hands and it's like "Geez, man rub it in my face already.". Obviously 'the grass is greener' does not always apply but what's wrong with wanting someone to skate with, and point out how lame and overly obnoxious tourists are,or just hang out with and count the stars...you know? I'm not by any means desperate, just perplexed as to what I may be doing wrong that I haven't found my 'makes my heart stop, days worth living, skate partner' yet; because sitting home having a glass of wine in the evening is not the way I want to spend them. I feel like I should complete the look by owning about 4 more cats, getting my name monogrammed on everything, and join a book club or something. Dear life....give me a break already.Let's face it...skating keeps me sane..

Skating is my therapy

I'm sitting here at almost 1:30 in the morning trying to configure voice mail and thinking about how much my job is irritating me. Update, since last June "he" moved back to the place from which he came. I call him periodically (or his mother rather since that's who usually answers the phone.) I now work at a different gym and am having an early mid-life crisis as I do every birthday since about 4 years ago. I am in a job that is just that a 'job'. It is only gratifying on Monday and Wednesdays when I have my team. I am moody all of the time because of this and feel like this job has defined me, and I refuse to let it. I have a new car since some woman on New Year's eve totaled my last car. I have been trying to get things together to go surfing, and I am about to buy new wheels for the longboard because let's face it, longboarding is my therapy. I hate yoga, it's for yuppies, and I can only run so much before I'm utterly and completely bored. I can skate until my legs turn to jello though. I sit here, almost dosing off to sleep wondering why the 'new' crush isn't working out so well and I think comparatively of the black widow or something along those lines. Am I not approachable enough? Ahh, pfft forget that, I'm a cool kid I'm just overthinking things as I do in my typical behavior. I want so much to relax a little (who am I kidding....i need to relax a lot.)and just go skate as much as I can and remember that for now this prison I mean 'job' is just a means to an end and that there is always something cooler out there just waiting. Until then...I'll just skate.

Remind me that I'm alive

To you my love: Everyday when I see your face I am reminded why I am alive. Your smile makes my heart skip a beat constantly. When I'm near you I feel your light radiate through me like my own personal sunshine. I am never used to the way your smile feels, and I never want to be used to that feeling. I am thankful that you are there painful as it may be that you are not mine. I want nothing more than to love you and give you the world. Thank you for provoking my thoughts though you are never aware that you do. You were put in my life for a reason, to remind me that I'm alive. When everything feels stale and jaded you are there to pick me up and make me smile even when I may not want to. No amount of time could have prepared me for what I would feel like after I fell in love with you but I am certainly glad it happened.

Ech awful evening awful awful awful

Today started out nice enough. I began working on homework fairly early and had a nice breakfast. I left the house early to go train, and that was interrupted so that might've began my horrid evening. Then during my shift "he" came and asked where something was. My stomach suddenly turned to knots and I just felt nauseated. I can't keep dealing with this in this manner. I've been dealing with it by training and just staying quiet, keeping all of my anger on my training instead of elsewhere. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better training day because today wasn't. I still feel a little off. I'm tired of hearing the "oh you'll find someone better", blah blah blah. Who in the world said I was looking for "someone better". I wasn't looking for anyone when "he" crossed my path. I never am on "the hunt", it's not what I do. So, what now? I guess we will see what tomorrow will bring.

What a mess

So i came to work the other day and kept hearing quiet chatter. One of my friends came to me and asked me if i knew where "he" was to which i answered a confused no. Then more people started asking me if i knew where he was as if we were still together and i was supposed to know. Well, he came in sick and looking like death warmed over. I felt horrible and my heart sunk and began to beat out of control. I wanted to say something but what? I love him but i guess i wasn't good enough to be with, so why try and offer and words of consolation, they'll just sound like empty words to him anyway right? So the rest of my night went oddly in terms of thoughts. I tried to stay way out of his way for fear of bumping into him and not having anything to say.

Morning Thoughts

Had computer class this morning and felt very informed afterward. As soon as I came home though, thoughts of him resurfaced and I felt empty again. I hate feeling this way and no one can help me. I feel like I'm drowning and can't find the way to swim towards the light.