On a day like today

This day as so many have been lately is heartbreakingly beautiful, with huge fluffy cumulus clouds and skies that are a bright beautiful hue of blue. I find myself wondering what I've done wrong, or what important step I've skipped in the last years that have prevented me from finding the person I am supposed to grow old with. The person who is supposed to paddle out to the breaks with me, and skate with me, and count the stars on a warm summery night. I've come across some wonderful and amazingly genuine people but none that fit the bill, well except perhaps one...but alas it won't happen. I'm upset about it, but what do I do? I walk the beaches, and I run the parks, and I run into characters all of the time and they all enrich and enlighten my life in some way even if only for a brief moment be it a smile, a wave, or a friendly hello. I love my interaction with people but time seems to stand still for me and as beautiful and magnificent as time is I would like the beauty of this to happen to me. Not rushed, or forced just simple love.

Confessions of an alleged adult

Adulthood, its a weird thing. It's no secret. I'm the person I've always been but its a preconceived notion that in order to be perceived as an adult in this  weirdo backwards world we seem to live in, you must (according to society and the upper class) have money, and have a picture perfect husband and a child who will in the future be a proud student of Gateway Academy or Kumon or some snobby upperclass education institution. I am not any of these things. I do however have a penchant for big glasses of red wine, or Michelob Ultras, Hello Kitty things still make me smile, I laugh at fart jokes, I make faces at small children when they're parents aren't looking, I longboard skateboard and I hate dress pants. I think smart cars are stupid and tourists, are the bane of my existence. I laugh at things everyday, and I think surfing is the missing part of my life. I sing loudly in my car, and I smile and sometimes wave at strangers. If adulthood excludes these things then I will start an entirely new category of life called "Epic-hood" which is just a continuation of the younger, former self to present day...just more so. I don't think that the perfect life is for me, I'm way to much of an 'outside the box the-world-is-one-great-mystery' type of person. I think sand on my feet supercedes a pedicure any day, and the sun and sand heal all. Floating and swimming around in mother ocean are all I need to bring me back a sense of calm. So adulthood sucks, I will usher in "Epic-hood". I said it first, remember that.

Out of my league

I just used Shazam to discover Out Of My League by Fitz & The Tantrums. http://shz.am/t80443950

I'd rather just sit in the sunshine

I feel so overwhelmed. Like I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety to the soundtrack of whatever pop songs I absolutely hate. Its not that I believe the grass is always greener, but it absolutely seems that way though. I am scared, mostly of change. Yes, I've admitted finally that I am a creature of habit and comfort. I love my longboard skateboard, and crusing on a sunny day, taking a moment to close my eyes and let the sun warm my face and penetrate my soul. I love the beach like it's engrained in my D.N.A. so it goes w/o saying that this week and the last 2 I have done either of these to de-stress and on top of that the family-owned business world showed me just how cruel, underhanded and unkind it can be to it's employees..namely..me. To make matters worse I'm losing sleep over someone who may or may not care that I exist in the world. It's enough to make me want to become an agoraphobic. Instead I feel as though I merely trudge through these days with shoes embedded in quicksand whilst trying to project a facade of happiness and contentment, when i'd rather just drive barefoot to the beach and go sit in the sunshine.

Heartbreakingly beautiful

It seems as though, with the mash up epic-ness that has been my crazy life there has been one blindingly bright, clarifying thought. I have to talk to 'him' a bit more. Instantly I internally turn into the 'giddy little girl' at the thought of his face. It's an odd thing, because he was there all along, and I though "nah, I've got no chance. He's in a league all his own." But who really, should be so speacial as to be put on a pedastal of such an unattainable status? All of us (humans) want to be appreciated, shown true friendship, love, etc. Everyday when I stop for a moment to concentrate, or for a bit of clarity my head slowly fills with thoughts of his well being, that of his family, our childhood friendship, and how I'm so scared of missing the opportunity to be with him..so much so that I get a bit of anxiety..who am I kidding I have full mini anxiety attacks thinking 'what if I said something he didn't like' blah blah blah. Geez, since when did I turn into such a blubbering idiot? Since, he crossed my path long enough to stare at me with those crystal clear blue eyes and smile a smile that broke my heart because it is so heartbreakingly gorgeous.

Sunshine over calm waves

I'm sitting up at 2:39 a.m. with a Stephen King book in my lap, and my cat sleeping soundly beside my legs. Her seamless purring makes me jealous, because I know that she is sleeping better than I have been. These last weeks I have been plauged with 'what-ifs' of this 'new him' who shall remain nameless. I would like to make the most of what may come from the communication between us, but I try not to get my hopes up for fear of another severe let down that will shoot me into yet another broken hearted, somber, self-pity,self-blaming downward spiral. Yep, in essence I will have become the person that I would hate to be around. Instead I try to take the tiniest of steps and am working on investing myself in others instead. This summer I will be triying new things, investing more time towards family and new friendships, and working to revive old friendships lost in this epic worldwind called life. To me, 'He' is a nice bit of sunshine over calm waves on a summer day in a cool refreshing sort of way. So I will cross my fingers in a proverbial sense, and in the mean time I am thankful for what I do have.