Heartbreakingly beautiful

It seems as though, with the mash up epic-ness that has been my crazy life there has been one blindingly bright, clarifying thought. I have to talk to 'him' a bit more. Instantly I internally turn into the 'giddy little girl' at the thought of his face. It's an odd thing, because he was there all along, and I though "nah, I've got no chance. He's in a league all his own." But who really, should be so speacial as to be put on a pedastal of such an unattainable status? All of us (humans) want to be appreciated, shown true friendship, love, etc. Everyday when I stop for a moment to concentrate, or for a bit of clarity my head slowly fills with thoughts of his well being, that of his family, our childhood friendship, and how I'm so scared of missing the opportunity to be with him..so much so that I get a bit of anxiety..who am I kidding I have full mini anxiety attacks thinking 'what if I said something he didn't like' blah blah blah. Geez, since when did I turn into such a blubbering idiot? Since, he crossed my path long enough to stare at me with those crystal clear blue eyes and smile a smile that broke my heart because it is so heartbreakingly gorgeous.

Sunshine over calm waves

I'm sitting up at 2:39 a.m. with a Stephen King book in my lap, and my cat sleeping soundly beside my legs. Her seamless purring makes me jealous, because I know that she is sleeping better than I have been. These last weeks I have been plauged with 'what-ifs' of this 'new him' who shall remain nameless. I would like to make the most of what may come from the communication between us, but I try not to get my hopes up for fear of another severe let down that will shoot me into yet another broken hearted, somber, self-pity,self-blaming downward spiral. Yep, in essence I will have become the person that I would hate to be around. Instead I try to take the tiniest of steps and am working on investing myself in others instead. This summer I will be triying new things, investing more time towards family and new friendships, and working to revive old friendships lost in this epic worldwind called life. To me, 'He' is a nice bit of sunshine over calm waves on a summer day in a cool refreshing sort of way. So I will cross my fingers in a proverbial sense, and in the mean time I am thankful for what I do have.